No matter where you are we will come to you


Currently Viewing Posts Tagged lawyer jokes

It’s “Why” on Tuesday

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “How do you drive this thing?”.

Why would you ask “Why?”.

And here’s an answer to a question that you have never asked:

It is harder to see now, but if you look at the back of a $100 bill, you can see a clock that shows the time of 4:10. (The new bills show a very tiny clock). Why does it show that time? Because the designer of the original $100 bill always got off work at four o’clock. He caught the 4:10 train… and that made him happy. Of course, I ask the question, “why couldn’t he just be happy by having a $100 bill?”.

I can tell that you are confused by my money discussion. So, I am going to break a self-imposed rule and tell you a lawyer joke as a segue. (Yes, I finally am able to use that word in a blog. And again, you might also be asking “Why?”)

On to the very bad joke:

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture? Answer: Just say Fees!

And that’s a Tuesday blog!


And for pic o’ day…


Mom’s Lawyer Joke

     Typically, lawyers don’t get real excited about lawyer jokes. It’s that whole “it’s a profession” thing. I have even been to seminars where the speakers chastise anyone for ‘participating in the telling of lawyer jokes”. lawyer cupcakes     With that thought, I don’t want to make my “brethern or sistern in law”, bothered at my participation in lawyer jokes. Still, the following was sent from my Mom. It really isn’t a “lawyer joke”, so maybe I am still safe.

     One final note on “Mom’s joke”. Of course,  no one is suggesting that this really happened or that this is appropriate conduct. (Have I covered all my bases now!!!!) On to Mom’s joke:

A plaintiff in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the plaintiff. As the plaintiff left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the defendant’s business card.”

     And for pic o’ day,

goldfish v

Another Note Plus Pic O’

In yesterday’s blog, I just wanted to add one follow-up to Judge Doumar’s appointment to the Federal Court bench. I’ll just tell it from memory, and it’s probably mostly true!

I am adding that disclaimer, in case Oprah starts another show; starts  picking a blog of the month; has me on to talk about my blogging; I discuss them as truth… wait a second, didn’t that happen to some author already?

While in college, I worked as an intern, and then a staffer in Virginia Congressman William G. Whitehurst’s office. I would go to school in the morning and then rush over to his Norfolk constituent office. So, I was a bit tired on occasion.

One day, I received a call from the Chinese embassy for Congressman Whitehurst. At that office, I was the lowly staffer; so I didn’t understand why the Chinese Ambassador was intent on talking to me. I don’t really remember the conversation but I do remember that I was frustrated, tired and I couldn’t really understand much.

All of a sudden, the voice on the other end started laughing. It turned out to be a lawyer named Wayne Lustig. It made me laugh pretty hard. I later learned that he was very good at doing imitations and was known among the staff to call and do exactly what he had done to me. Congressman Whitehurst even laughed at that.

That leads us to Judge Doumar’s appointment to the Federal bench. Apparently, Wayne Lustig also did a pretty good imitation of President Ronald Reagan. There had been rumor that “lawyer” Doumar was going to be nominated to the bench, but nothing was certain.

The story goes that Judge Doumar received a call from “President Reagan”. Because he had been pranked by Wayne Lustig in prior weeks; he picked up the phone and immediately starting saying something like, “Wayne, you’re not fooling me this time”. Yep… according to the story, President Reagan told “Lawyer” Doumar that he wasn’t Lustig… he really was the President and he really was nominating him to the Federal bench. Supposedly, the President got a good laugh out of it too.

For pic o’ day, Amy M sent me a “lawyer”.

Only Insurance Defense Jokes

Normally, I’m not one to really receive or pass on lawyer jokes. The legal profession already has its hands full, trying to improve its image.

Not long ago, I saw a Rasmussen poll that showed Judges being viewed less favorable than favorable. It used to be that old timers in law would blame the public dislike of lawyers on lawyer advertising. It wasn’t an argument for me, to take part in or try to defend advertising. Not sure how those old timers would explain the Judicial approval ratings.

For this blog, I am attaching something that my Mom sent. I am changing the “bad guy” in the story to “insurance defense lawyer”. Just hope that it doesn’t cause a bunch of people to start a movement of “Occupy Lawyer Yard” . Here it is with criticism welcomed! You can always tell me “No more jokes!”

Driving through town in his BMW, a successful insurance defense lawyer spotted two men on the side of the road, eating grass out of somebody’s yard. Moved by how desperate the men had become, he pulled over to have a word with them,

“Hey fellas, what is going on? Why are you eating grass?” asked the  insurance defense lawyer.

“We’re down on our luck, have no jobs and are very poor!”, they both responded.

“Well then, come with me” the  insurance defense lawyer insisted. “I’ll do what I can to help; after all – it’s clear you’re desperate and you’re clearly doing what you can to get by.”

After a fifteen minute drive, the two poor men arrived at a beautiful estate on five acres of land, right on the 18th hole of a prestigious golf course. They became excited at the chance to finally get some work.

“Sir, we can’t thank you enough! Thank you so much for this opportunity. We won’t let you down!” they exclaimed with joy!

“Ah, it’s no problem. I’m just happy to help.” replied the insurance defense lawyer, “You can eat all the grass you want, it’s got to be at least a foot tall by now!”

And now…. pic o’ day. A reminder to stay focused.

“Let’s Kill All The Lawyers”

A few years ago, I met a friend for lunch. He was working for a TV station as their consumer affairs reporter. You know, the one who reports on stories from a title like “37 on your side”. He would always complain that his voicemail was always crammed with complainers, but that he had to listen to all the messages; because occasionally, he found a nugget for the news.

I walked over to his car at the restaurant parking lot and noticed something missing. “Why doesn’t this have a seat belt?”, I asked as I leaned in to look at it. There was something odd because I could see where the seat belt had been. “Oh, I took it out. It always wrinkles up my shirt and I have to be ready to jump out of the car and get on camera”.

I guess reporters think about things that you and I don’t have to. We all worry about the “teeth lettuce” but not the shirt wrinkles. “Have you ever been stopped by the police for not wearing your seat belt”. He grinned, “No, but I guess I’d just tell them that the car doesn’t have one”. I told him that he should just admit….. He liked breaking the rules!

I thought I might get your attention a bit, with the title of the blog. Most people have heard some version of it and may know that it’s Shakespeare. The entire line was  “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers”.

Most people recite that line and then go on to tell some lawyer joke. They think it’s Shakespeare agreeing with the majority regarding the ills of the legal profession.

It comes from the second part of the play “King Henry VI”. The line was uttered by Dick the Butcher, who was a follower of the anarchist in the play, Jack Cade. Shakespeare portrayed Cade as a character who was the “head of an army of rabble and demagogue pandering to the ignorant”. It was Cade’s intent to overthrow the throne.

Shakespeare was paying the legal profession a large compliment. He was acknowledging that the best way for a tyrant to replace freedom with anarchy, was to “kill all the lawyers.

Most occupation surveys put lawyers near the bottom of respectability; Somewhere a bit above politicians and used car salesmen. Many have had a bad experience with lawyers; and, like other professions, it does have its “bad apples”.

It reminds me a bit of the current Governor of South Carolina, when she was running for office. She was giving campaign speeches on how she was going to be good for the business community, if elected.

One of her goals was to replace the Worker’s Compensation Commissioners and appoint only non-lawyers to hear the claims of injured workers, at the Worker’s Compensation Commission. Her reasoning was to appoint business people to hear the claims, because they were more capable to understand what these claims were doing to business.

Maybe lawyers would do better to just worry about how they treat people individually, instead of worrying about whether someone is telling a lawyer joke. The profession still can make a difference. Even Dick the Butcher knew that .

I told my buddy that he should put his seat belt back in the car, and not sacrifice safety for a pressed shirt. I know that doesn’t change his thinking on lawyers. But, as he has said to me many times, he’d call me if he needed one. I just don’t want him to call for a seat belt violation!

And now pic o’. I can’t help it. It makes me smile to see boxing cats.

Mom’s Legal Joke

     For a Friday, I thought I’d post the joke that my mom sent. At least I think it’s a joke……..

     A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

  • Archives

  • Menu Title